expectations, laws, assumptions, revolutions

good afternoon people

in the last few days, the idea of "expectations" has come up a number of times.

someone said the other day that i was picky about what i eat. this was after telling them that i can’t have any dairy products in the morning – it gives me bad cramps. i was hurt that i was called picky and defended myself by saying that it wasn’t that i was rejecting them, or having a sense of entitlement or something … and then it occurred to me: what’s wrong with feeling entitled to eat in a healthy way? what’s wrong with that kind of expectation?

some people say that expectations are premeditated resentments. as in – i expect you to do X, and if you don’t, bang, i’ll hit you over the head with a resentment. and i think to some degree that’s right, especially if the expectation is not clearly stated.

the word expectation comes from the latin expectare, which means to wait. does that help in trying to understand this concept? what am i waiting for? how long will i wait? what will i do if what i’m waiting for doesn’t happen?

laws are expectations in a sense, aren’t they? you expect me to stop at a red light. you expect me to not leave burning cigarette butts in a dry forest. you expect me to help at an accident. these expectations are so strong, they turn into assumptions. because you assume that i will stop at a red light, you pass through a green light. if we didn’t have these expectations of each other, we couldn’t function.

i guess the trick is to figure out which expectations are reasonable and life-affirming and which ones aren’t. one way to see the difference may be whether they’re unspoken or not. laws work so (relatively) well because they are very explicit, very loudly and precisely spoken.

on the other hand, if i expect my daughter to clean up her mess in the living room without telling her i can wait until the cows come home. then the cows come home and her sticky cup full of old marshmallow hot chocolate still sits on the floor in front of the TV. then i sigh, pick it up, and swear under my breath about that irresponsible brat. if that happens a few times, i build up resentments.

the truth is, if i do tell her and she still doesn’t do it, i still build up resentments. so that didn’t work. ok, how about – are these expectations reasonable and life-affirming? i would say yes. so … if i’m clear about that, do i still have to build up resentments? resentments are nasty because they hurt both the person who holds them and the person against whom they’re held.

it seems to me that if i can be really clear that my expectations are reasonable and life-affirming, i may just be able to be strong enough in asserting them. and asserting them over and over again. and eventually achieve what’s reasonable and life affirming.

this, my friends, is the stuff of revolutions. martin luther king jr. had to do a lot of asserting.

(now let’s see whether i can take my own medicine).