Thursday, July 20, 2006

goodbye blogger

well, people, i finally did it. i've moved my blog and now it is at

www.moritherapy.org

if you are currently subscribed to this blog, please go to www.moritherapy.org and subscribe via the subscription options you find in the right hand column. if you can't figure out how to do that, please call me (my number is on my web site at www.moritherapy.com) or email me at moritherapy at shaw dot ca.

see you at the new site!

isabella

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

goal setting - part 2

continuing on from yesterday's blog, here is the rest of steve pavlina's (edited) words on goal setting

goal setting is an activity

setting clear goals is not a passive act. you must take direct conscious action. everything counts, and nothing is neutral. you are either moving towards your goals, or away from them.

if you do nothing or if you act without clarity, then you are almost certainly a victim of "being outgoaled" - you are spending your time working on other people's goals without even knowing it. you are happily working to enrich your landlord, other businesses, advertisers, stockholders, etc.

waiting for something to inspire you and hoping that the perfect outcome will just fall into your lap is nothing but a fantasy. clear decision making doesn't happen passively; you actually have to physically put in the time to make it happen.

clear goals sharpen present-moment decisions

your reality will not match your vision exactly. that's not the point. the point is for your vision to allow you to make clear daily decisions that keep you moving in the direction of your goals.

when a commercial airliner flies from one city to another, it is off course over 90% of the time, but it keeps measuring its progress and adjusting its heading again and again. goal setting works the same way.

maintain a clear list of goals not because that's actually where you'll end up but because it will give with tremendous certainty in deciding what you need to do today.

you'll see a measurable difference in your life the very first day you establish clear, committed goals, even if your first few attempts aren't perfect. you'll be able to make decisions much more rapidly because you'll see how they'll either move you towards or away from your goals.

on the eve of his death, walt disney had a reporter crawl into bed with him so he could share his vision for disney world, six years before its completion. when disney world finally opened, another reporter commented to walt's brother, roy, "it's too bad walt did not live to see this." roy replied, "walt saw it before we did.”
isabella mori
counselling in vancouver

Monday, July 17, 2006

goal setting

lately, i've been following steve pavlina's blog. he's got some pretty strong things to say about personal development. below is a somewhat shortened and edited excerpt of what he says about goal setting and decision making.


bunker hunt, a man who rose from a bankrupt cotton farmer in the 1930s to a multi-billionaire when he died in the 1970s, was once asked during a tv interview what advice he could give to others who wanted to be financially successful.

he responded by saying that it's not terribly difficult to be successful and that only two things are required.

first, you must decide exactly what it is you want to accomplish.

secondly, you must determine what price you'll have to pay to get it, and then resolve to pay that price.

clear goals are essential

study after study has shown how essential clear goals and objectives are to success. if you don't take the time to get really clear about exactly what it is you're trying to accomplish, then you're forever doomed to spend your life achieving the goals of those who do.

if setting goals is so critically important, then why is it that so few people take the time to define exactly where they want to go?

part of the reason is a lack of knowledge about how to set clear goals. but those who truly know what they want often outperform everyone else by an enormous degree.

a frequent deterrent to goal setting is the fear of making a mistake. teddy roosevelt once said, "in any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing."

setting virtually any goal at all is better than drifting aimlessly with no clear direction. the best way i know to guarantee failure is to avoid making clear, committed decisions.

you're probably spending most of your time working to achieve other people's goals. the local fast food restaurant, tv advertisers, and the stockholders of the businesses you patronize are all very happy for that.

many people assume that because they have a direction, they must therefore have goals, but this merely creates the illusion of progress.

an example of the difference between a direction and a goal is the difference between the compass direction of northeast and the top of the eiffel tower in france. one is merely a direction; the other is a definite location.

define goals in binary terms

one critical aspect of goals is that they must be defined in binary terms. at any point in time, if i were to ask you if you had achieved your goal yet, you must be able to give me a definitive "yes" or "no" answer. “maybe” or “kind of” is not an answer.

be detailed

be as detailed as possible when setting goals. give specific numbers, dates, and times. make sure that each of your goals is measurable.

either you achieved it, or you didn't. define your goals as if you already know what's going to happen. it's been said that the best way to predict the future is to create it.

commit goals to writing

goals must be in writing in the form of positive, present-tense, personal affirmations. don’t say “by the end of the year, i don’t want to feel alone anymore.”

rather, say “on december 31, 2006, i look back with satisfaction on a time full of romance and friendship.”

if you phrase your goals in future terms, you are sending a message to your subconscious mind to forever keep that outcome in the future, just beyond your grasp.

avoid wishy-washy words like "probably," "should," "could," "would," "might," or "may" when forming your goals.

and finally, make your goals personal. you cannot set goals for other people, such as, "a publisher will hire me by the end of the year." better say: "by december 1, 2006, i have started working in an interesting, enjoyable position with a north american publishing company, earning $55,000 a year."

objectify subjective goals

what if you need to set subjective goals, such as improving your own level of self-discipline? how do you phrase such goals in binary terms? to solve this problem, i use a rating scale of 1 to 10.

for instance, if you want to improve your self-discipline, ask yourself on a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate your current level of self-discipline? then set a goal to achieve a certain specific rating by a certain date. this allows you to measure your progress and know with a high degree of certainty whether or not you've actually achieved your goal.

-------

tomorrow we'll go to part 2, where steve talks about the actual activity of goal setting and how goal setting helps in making everyday decisions.

isabella mori
counselling in vancouver

Sunday, July 16, 2006

getting support - part 2

when we feel we don’t have enough support, of course there’s many ways we can “go out and get more”. however, often, when we have a problem like this, it’s not because we lack the know-how – it’s that there is something blocking us from reaching for what we need.

when we don’t get the support we long for, it’s often because there are some voices in our heads saying things like, “they don’t have time”, “they’re not interested”, “they already have too much on their plates”, or “if they find out i need help with this, they’ll think i’m a loser.”

when this happens, we can help ourselves by talking this over with someone who has already “proven” that they enjoy supporting others.

here are some ideas on how you might increase your support network:

  • your existing friends and family
  • assertiveness classes or self help books like how full is your bucket? by grandfather-grandson team tom rath and donald o. clifton
  • counselling
  • making a point of initiating and sustaining conversations with people who you don’t ordinarily talk with
  • getting involved in volunteering, support groups, community events
  • if you’re religious/spiritual, praying for more support
  • taking classes on anything you’re interested in
  • giving to others
  • becoming a regular somewhere – at a pub, a coffee house, an interesting online group
  • keeping in touch with people through phone calls, letters, emails
important: as i said in a previous post, there might be moments when you’re tempted to read such a list and roll your eyes, saying “that’s not much help, that’s all pretty obvious!” if that's the case, please stop and think for a moment. if you’re unhappy with the extent or quality of your social support and you haven’t done one of these things in the last three months, maybe it’s time to go back and try them – try the obvious!

isabella mori
counselling in vancouver

Saturday, July 15, 2006

getting support

today i thought i'd share with you a handout from a workshop i gave a little while ago on social support:

this is part 1 - part 2 is tomorrow.




social support


there’s the quality of supportive relationships – what type of relationships are they and how satisfied are we with them?

then there’s the quantity – how many people “have our back”?



research has found that social support can
· increase immunity (resistance to disease)
· help our emotional health
· reduce stress and illnesses associated with stress
· recovery from illness



what’s your your current social support like?



quality of social support

how satisfied are you in your relationships with family and friends? in the majority of these relationships do you feel that you are:
  • understood
  • loved, or at least appreciated
  • heard
  • informed
  • useful
  • able to talk about your deepest problems (with at least some of your support people)
  • that you have a definite role or place
  • able to be yourself



quantity of relationships

how many close and/or dependable relationships do you have? consider relationships with:
  • family
  • friends
  • neighbours
  • coworkers
  • others
  • spend time with someone who doesn’t live with you?
  • talk to friends or relatives on the phone?
  • go to meetings, social clubs or other groups?


isabella mori
counselling in vancouver

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

mental illness in the workplace: good news!

last month i reported on yves magloe, a tenured professor at pasadena city college, who was let go because of a mental illness. as many of you know, it is extremely rare of a tenured professor to let go - tenure usually means lifetime employment.

well, good news. hugo schwyzer reports that professor magloe was reinstated.

isabella mori
counselling in vancouver

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

another video: about depression


and here we have another video, where you can hear me talk a little bit about depression and disconnectedness. this time it's on youtube. thanks, carol, for doing this video!

yogurt and self-righteousness

plain yogurt – after you’ve opened the container, do you stir it or do you carefully take off what you need and leave the rest alone?

that, my friend, is the big question.

it’s a question that plagued me, so i complained, err, i mean, talked to a few people about it – with such passion, apparently, that i was challenged to write a blog entry about it.

and it is, clearly, a question of seinfeldian proportions.

here’s what happened: we were having dinner, eating perogies, and concerned with health as i am, i served plain organic yogurt instead of sour cream with it.

one of my table mates apprehended the yogurt container, stuck the spoon in it and proceeded to (what seemed to me) violently stir, nay, disturb the yogurt that lay peacefully in that container.

i flinched. and i spoke up. “what are you doing to that poor yogurt??!!” i shrieked.

“ah – i’m stirring it?”

“what has that yogurt done to you?”

“ah – i’m just stirring it …”

i’m sure i rolled my eyes. what a barbaric thing to do! yogurt is a living thing (i think), all these little yogurt bacteria sitting together in well-organized molecules, kind of like in their little yogurt house, and in comes this barbaric giant with his spoon and creates a soupy chaos!

until that point, while my poor yogurt bacteria were bathed in chaos, i was safely ensconced in a comfy cocoon of yogurty self-righteousness. surely, walking into that yogurt like a horde of raping and pillaging warlords can't be right!

and then my curiosity got the better of me. just like the barbaric yogurt giant, i couldn’t leave the story alone, i had to stir it up. i asked my friends haedy, MJ and timmie about their opinion.

to my despair, they didn’t immediately take my side! worse, it was hard to get them excited about this important topic.

so i tucked my tail between my legs and, on the occasion of blueberries and yogurt for dessert last night, brought the sorry results of my survey back to the barbaric yogurt giant. and he just laughed! he just laughed, and challenged me to write about it in my blog.

i’m still of the opinion that yogurt should be left alone but – well, it appears that the yogurt giant is entitled to his opinion, too.

what’s the morale?

instead of speaking up about the rights of yogurt bacteria, i could have gritted my teeth, causing dental problems and constipation.

instead of defending his stance, the barbaric yogurt giant could have played nicey-nice, cowering to my self-righteousness, which could have been the beginning of a horrible depression.

instead of exploring the world for the wide array of yogurt opinions, i could have stayed marinated in my self righteousness, which eventually would have resulted in calcification of my brain cells.

instead of letting me freely partake of their opinion (and slight lack of interest) on the topic at hand, my friends could have let me believe, by simply and absent-mindedly nodding to my dairy diary, that they agreed with me. the beginning of the end of our friendship?

instead of taking my friends’ feedback back to the barbaric yogurt giant, i could have hid the truth from him, or could have even lied to him, saying that my friends agreed with me! this would slowly have poisoned me from the inside …

what a horrible story this could have turned into!

but we all talked freely with each other.

and now, instead of dental problems, constipation, depression, calcified brain cells, dead friendships and slow poisoning – it’s just a blog.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

go ahead, be happy!

the keys to happiness are available to anyone, says this article in lifescience.com today:

Money that lifts people out of poverty increases happiness, but after that, the better paychecks stop paying off sense-of-well-being dividends, research shows.

One route to more happiness is called "flow," an engrossing state that comes during creative or playful activity, psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has found. Athletes, musicians, writers, gamers, and religious adherents know the feeling. It comes less from what you're doing than from how you do it.

Sonja Lyubomirsky of the University of California at Riverside has discovered that the road toward a more satisfying and meaningful life involves a recipe repeated in schools, churches and synagogues. Make lists of things for which you're grateful in your life, practice random acts of kindness, forgive your enemies, notice life's small pleasures, take care of your health, practice positive thinking, and invest time and energy into friendships and family.

The happiest people have strong friendships, says Ed Diener, a psychologist at the University of Illinois
okay, now we know it. not that we didn't know it before. so what's up? how come that, armed with this knowledge, we don't all go ahead and be happy?

there's probably many reasons. one of them has fascinated me quite a bit lately. many of us have this great reluctance to do take seriously really ordinary, run-of-the-mill recipes. let's take the one about gratefulness, something i've discussed in other blog entries before.

here's a scenario:

mick: "i'm so unhappy! what should i do?"
terry: "i write a gratitude list every day - 10 things i'm grateful for every day. wanna try that, too?"
mick: "geez, i've heard that one before. if it was so easy, everybody would be happy!"
terry: "exactly, it's easy, and if everybody did it, they'd be a lot happier!"
mick: "oh, leave me alone with these mom-and-pop ideas. you have no idea how complicated my life is!"
terry: "ok, before i leave you alone with this, can i ask you just one question. have you tried gratitude lists before?"
mick: "yes! i did one once, and it didn't work! it didn't make me happy!"
terry: "oh. well, i guess for me it works because i do it every day."
mick: "it's easy for you. you are already happy!"

so mick is unhappy. he uses words that sound like he's looking for advice. then terry comes along with an idea and mick turns it down. it's because a) maybe he wasn't even looking for advice; b) the advice is too "easy", which c) devaluates the depth of his unhappiness.

mick has been unhappy for so long that his unhappiness has become quite important. he does not wish for his unhappiness to be devalued.

he expresses the depth of his unhappiness by saying that his life is "complicated". because he feels unheard (and because he probably has been unheard for many years), he is not interested in what terry has to say/offer. also, mick thinks that because the simplicity of the remedy does not match the depth of his unhappiness, it cannot work.

also, because he has used this remedy once and it did not work right away, he feels justified in not trying it again. it didn't work, and it does not match the depth of his depression - so why try it again?

unfortunately, mick does not know that this remedy does indeed work in most situations if applied on a consistent basis. he doesn't know it because it's an experiential thing.

remember when you were 8 years old and you saw people kissing and you thought, "eeeeek, what a gross thing to do!" and then when you were 17, you couldn't get enough of it?

experiencing the cumulative effect of gratitude lists (and other ordinary remedies) is a bit like that. it's as simple as a kiss. and can be as life changing.

isabella mori
counselling in vancouver

Friday, July 07, 2006

gender identity: shapeshifting

a few weeks ago, i spoke of the book self organizing men, a collection of literary works promoted in jay sennet’s blog, around the theme of FtM’s – people who were born biologically female and transition towards male.

here is another work of art in it, a jewel of a poem. it weaves in and out and around the many levels of experience of its author, female-to-male queer activist eli clare who starts off the poem by noting the similarity between two different kinds of drug use:

I lay out syringe, alcohol pad, vial: a ritual
connecting me to junkies. Draw the
testosterone,
and push needle deep through skin into
muscle.

all of this happens in (inside the temporal space of) spring, another moment of transition:

Open the windows, forsythia spilling its dense yellow.

but not much of this poem happens directly “inside”; much of it is in-between. eli is “a shapeshifter” – as a transgendered (transgendering?) person, as a person with cerebral palsy, as an activist, an anti-hierarchist. shapeshifters, it occurs to me, are, or at least can be, magicians: wise people, shamans, those who dare to travel across dangerous and forbidden boundaries, back and forth and back and forth, cross-pollinating worlds.

shapeshifting as a magician but also very concretely, very physically:

Voice cracks.
Stubble glints.

Body begins

and if there’s a lot of flying back and forth between worlds, it gets confusing, even for the magician:

Crip skin,
white skin:
which stories
do I tell
the best?

… and tiring:
... here at the confluence river and ocean collide—current rushing head long, waves pushing back—stones tumble one against another; logs drift and roll. Tell me: where in this hiss and froth might I lay myself down?
where? where could eli lay himself down? can he lay himself down before he lays his female identity down (to sleep? to rest?) can any magician ever lay himself down for long?

and while i understand that there needs to be rest for this body and mind, i am touched, tickled, by the poem's freshness: all the almost haiku-like references to spring, the walking down the street with kids greeting him, rushing rivers, tumbling logs – there is so much fresh, breezy movement; while this need for rest is understandable – is rest really interesting to eli, or will he, after a short moment of catching his breath, spring up again to see what’s around yet another corner?


isabella mori
counselling in vancouver

Thursday, July 06, 2006

psychopaths

a few weeks ago i had a conversation with someone about psychopaths. since i can't remember for the life of me who i had this conversation with (hmmmm ... should i make my next post about memory?), i thought i'd post here a link to a very interesting article about this topic, and hopefully that person is among my readers.

the article is about joseph newman, a psychologist at the university of wisconsin. here is an excerpt:

[Newman] believes that psychopathy is essentially a type of learning disability or "informational processing deficit" that makes individuals oblivious to the implications of their actions when focused on tasks that promise instant reward. Being focused on a short-term goal, Newman suggests, makes psychopathic individuals incapable of detecting surrounding cues such as another person's discomfort or fear.

In a study he repeated in different prison populations, for instance, Newman examined how quickly psychopathic and non-psychopathic individuals respond to a series of mislabeled images, such as a drawing of a pig with the word "dog" superimposed on it. Researchers flashed each image and then timed how long it took for subjects to name what they saw.

Over and over again, Newman found that non-psychopathic subjects subconsciously stumbled on the misleading labels and took longer to name the images. But psychopathic subjects barely noticed the discrepancy and consistently answered more quickly.

Newman says the result is one instance of how psychopathic individuals have difficulty processing peripheral cues, even when those cues are entirely obvious to everyone else. Furthermore, the study task didn't involve any of the emotions that people commonly associate with psychopathy, such as anger or a lack of fear. So the fact that psychopathic subjects barely noticed the wrongful labels - even in the absence of emotional cues - supports the idea that a psychological deficit might be at play.

read more here ...

i had often thought that at least in some instances, psychopathy might involve something like what newman proposes.

i have worked in prison environments, and would not say i have met many psychopaths there - and the ones that i did meet were actually not the ones with the most serious crimes.

particularly, i remember one person who had shot someone (yup, compared to some of the other offenders, that wasn't very serious), who then ended up in a wheelchair.

the offender had a complete and quite baffling lack of interest (never mind concern or even compassion) for the victim. it was as if there was a hole where that concern would normally be found in other people.

i had noticed that before in other people who i wouldn't necessarily call sociopaths or psychopaths, but who still would show a strange lack of connection in certain situations.

the first time i noticed that was with someone who nowadays might be classified as a sex addict. he was very charming, very intelligent - but completely nonchalant about the far-reaching effects his addiction had on the people around him. having worked with people battling with addiction, i find that unusual; often people with addictions are quite uncomfortable about the fallouts from their behaviour. but not so with that person. i remember thinking that it seemed like a part of his psyche had been amputated.

if you're interested in a more academic treatment on the topic of psychopathy, you might want to read this article by linda mealey. it's a little old but still quite interesting.

isabella mori
counselling in vancouver

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

understanding spammers

okay, here is something that i absolutely have to get off my chest:

what goes on in the head of spammers?

and what, specifically, is the process of coming up with these amazing names, like

abhorrence p. versifying
amateurism g. causal
ambiguities u. magnetos
annihilation j. silliness
arnulfo mcleod

(more at the end of this entry – i don’t want to spam your reading time with the remaining 41 names, from demetrius column to zelma mooney)

so, someone tell me how this works.

is there are spammers’ name factory? if so, how does it work? is it automated, or is it a dingy old industrial complex in manila, where 13-year-olds write their fingers bloody with name after name for a starvation wage?

are spammers so bored with what they do that they entertain themselves with coming up with these names?

is there perhaps a secret spammers’ naming olympics, or some kind of grammy award for the most inventive spammer’s name?

or is it something you learn in spammers school?

or are they perhaps all high on VI*a*GRA or h OO dia?

one last thing: do these people know the words they’re using – i mean, are they even aware of the hilarity of these names? think about the irony of “annihilation j. silliness” sending you a completely inane message.

on the other hand, “experiencing a. pit” probably knows what she/he/it is doing.

i tried to find some material on the psychology of spammers and haven’t come up with anything at all. maybe i need to dig deeper. considering how big (and irritating) spamming is in our internet lives, it’s suprising that i didn’t find anything yet.

anyways, here’s the rest of the names.

demetrius column
democritus mateo
disbarring f. lunatic
emulsified u. carrier
eridanus h. sweatier
exorcized h. scuttle
experiencing a. pit
fry dempster
genaro lovett,
godiva stanley
guadalupe harper;
harebrained l. ramrodded
heidi champagne;
highchairs p. polyphemus
hohenstaufen v. sicking
inflorescence b. afghan.
jernigan fletcher,
jocundity h. sulkiness
joris dng
kermit clinton
leaching k. criming
lofting c. amendable
maillol l. shrews
microwaving c. grammes
monomania i. buxom
morocco s. yanking
morse k. commencement
pacifically t. gloss
pauperism p. perimeter
pocahontas e. maharajas
propitiate f. mockingly
schlessman lankford
shrub b. nipples
steers q. bloodhound
stress f. obelisks
trammelled s. intercessions
vercingetorix brick
yesenia hopkins,
young alford,
zaida coxum,
zelma mooney


isabella mori
counselling in vancouver

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

nonviolent communication

a challenge issued by the nonviolent communication site:
The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) would like there to be a critical mass of people using Nonviolent Communication language so all people will get their needs met and resolve their conflicts peacefully.

10 things we can do to contribute to internal, interpersonal, and organizational peace:

(1) Spend some time each day quietly reflecting on how we would like to relate to ourselves and others.

(2) Remember that all human beings have the same needs.

(3) Check our intention to see if we are as interested in others getting their needs met as our own.

(4) When asking someone to do something, check first to see if we are making a request or a demand.

(5) Instead of saying what we DON'T want someone to do, say what we DO want the person to do.

(6) Instead of saying what we want someone to BE, say what action we'd like the person to take that we hope will help the person be that way.

(7) Before agreeing or disagreeing with anyone's opinions, try to tune in to what the person is feeling and needing.

(8) Instead of saying “No,” say what need of ours prevents us from saying “Yes.”

(9) If we are feeling upset, think about what need of ours is not being met, and what we could do to meet it, instead of thinking about what's wrong with others or ourselves.

(10) Instead of praising someone who did something we like, express our gratitude by telling the person what need of ours that action met.
which one do you find easy? which one seems hard?

i find this one a bit challenging: "if we are feeling upset, think about what need of ours is not being met, and what we could do to meet it, instead of thinking about what's wrong with others or ourselves." when i'm really upset and a solution does not easily present itself, i do end up thinking about my unmet needs - but really only once i'm feeling backed into a corner.

remembering that all humans have the same needs - well, that's always been pretty obvious to me. i think in many ways it goes even further: plants, animals, to a degree even things have needs, too: to be cared for, to be treated with respect.

isabella mori
counselling in vancouver

Monday, July 03, 2006

homilies i like

never pass up a good opportunity to shut up.

it takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.

the best way to stop feeling like a liar is to stop lying.

"the bad thing about self-pity is that it gives me permission to do absolutely nothing."

"don't believe everything you think."

right actions for the future are the best apologies for wrong ones in the past.

it is not good to pray unless we are willing to accept god's answers.

isolation is a darkroom for developing negatives.

"thank you, god, for the beautiful day i'm going to have if i can just get rid of my fucking attitude."

"i had a very long childhood"

peace is not something you wish for, it is something you make, something you do, something you are and it is something you give away



isabella mori
counselling in vancouver